mother: is it a boy or a girl?
doctor: *puts baby between teeth* it’s a metaphor
You know what they say: Life is like a box of chocolates, but the chocolates have been replaced with big bugs and you have to eat the bugs and you’re on television. It’s a reality show called Eat The Bugs and this is the pilot episode. You eat all of those bugs, but the show never gets picked up so nobody ever sees it and you don’t win the big cash prize that they promised. That’s what life is like.
there’s a group of men on the tv answering a survey about “how much they really know about women” and they asked “which percentage of women do not orgasm from intercourse alone” and they all answered 15 when the real answer was 75 and their faces were just abysmal it gave me life